Healing My Broken Heart

Many people have questioned how I am doing after my breakup. I keep hearing from so many people: "You're so mature." "You're handling everything so well." "I can't believe how well you're doing." Want to know the truth?

My heart is hurting. I lay awake at night replaying things over and over in my head, wondering why things have turned out this way. I try to block all the good memories because I can't relive them all right now. I worry that he will think I am doing fine, when really I am hurting. My heart aches. I get nervous every time I walk past his office at work. I want to run into him, just to be able to say hi, in hopes that we can have a minute to chat, but it never turns out that way. I wish that we could be friends. I wish that we could hang out again. I wish we could be around all of our same friends without things being weird.

But the hardest part of this whole thing is that I know that us being apart is the best. I know that as much as neither one of us wants it to be the answer, I know that not dating each other is the best thing for us both. And, honestly, it's terrible. It is the worst feeling I have ever had. I hate that I have lost a friendship that means so much to me, and I hate that now I can't see him or even talk to him. I hate that things seem awkward and I hate that I am hurting. I hate that he's hurting, too. I wish I could change it all, make it all easier.

This is the truth, the raw truth. My heart is hurting and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to deal with it. I just pray that God will help me through each and every day, and that He would help me through the confusion and hurting. I pray that He will lead me to a friendship with him. I pray that He will heal my broken, hurting heart.

I know this is all part of the journey God has planned for me, and I know that, in time, He will show me why this has been part of my life. While it is difficult, I know that God is the Father who takes care of everything, even His hurting children. He takes care of me. He cares about healing my broken heart.

The Answer Won't Be Written in the Sky

A very wise woman once told me "Lauren, the answer to the difficult decisions won't be written in the sky all the time. If they were, we would never have to have faith in Christ." My dear friend, LP, you are correct. We wouldn't ever have to walk by faith if the answer was always written in the sky for us.

While I do believe that God can write the answers in the sky, or just give us a very clear answer to a decision, big or small, I don't think that He will always do that. Sometimes we really need to step out in faith. The same wise woman also said that sometimes God just calls us to make a decision. I think God used LP to show me that it's okay to make scary decisions, and it's okay to trust God, even if the answer isn't written across the sky for you.

In Oceans Deep: Growing in Faith

Well hello there!

So, I have tried to blog before, but I have never really kept up on it. This time, I hope it is different! 

The reason for this blog is to simply show the world what God has been/is teaching me. I am a recent (and I mean really recent) college graduate - I just graduated a little over two weeks ago. I have my Bachelor's degree in Liberal Studies and am working this summer and planning on student teaching in the fall.

A little insight into the last few months of my life (and therefore the title of this blog). In February, I was in church and I just felt an uneasiness. I couldn't explain it. After church, I decided to drive around, which turned into a two hour drive in the rain, crying out to God for something more, to feel Him move in a way I had never felt before. Over and over I just kept singing the song Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United. I prayed in a way I had never prayed before for God to call me out upon the waters and to give me faith like I'd never had before. That night after church, God prepared my heart for the upcoming months. 

A few short weeks later, in one week, my boyfriend broke up with me, I quit my job (that I loved), and my parked car was hit by a man who was driving under the influence of drugs, and completely demolished it. In a matter of 5 days, God removed my relationship, my job and my car from my life. I felt empty. Every step of the way, I couldn't understand why God would allow something else to happen; every time, I thought to myself I can't handle ONE more thing. And every time, God would say Yes you can. Have faith. 

I decided to take these crazy situations that had happened to me and to seek God through it all. He taught me the following: Receive my identity in Him (and that others should do the same). Love others unconditionally, even when it is difficult. Things aren't always what they seem; I am human and God has a much better plan than I could ever conceive. Take a step in faith and TRUST Him (even if that means quitting your job two weeks after you started it, and right before you are about to sign the papers for your apartment....and now you're jobless......yep, I did that). Be okay with the answer "I don't know what I am going to do after graduation." Walk into oceans deep. Grow in faith.